Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.