You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
*3.5 thank you very much.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”