let’s play a round of hopscotch ๐โ ๐ป๐๐ผ
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that wonโt let her use the washroom with the door closed.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, โIโve been looking for you everywhere,โ and this time it wonโt be law enforcement.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. Iโm so glad Iโll be dead by then.
My teen changed my name in her phone to โspam riskโ and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you donโt fold the laundry, it wonโt get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
Youโd be all like โWe shoulda known! It was right there in the name!โ
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said Iโd love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My daughter is mad at me because I didnโt offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. Sheโs clearly ready for adulthood
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I wonโt squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Thereโs a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTERโS WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: Iโll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: thatโs not how day trading works