[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*