Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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“A little help here, Danny?”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My dog learned how to text
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.