“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?