I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
how it started vs how it ended
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop