What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
You Might Also Like
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Not all heroes wear capes.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.