Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I just ran a .003048K
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school