Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.