Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises