I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan