Just how popey was the pope today?
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal