[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
School be like
What
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.