I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!