if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
2022 be like
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken