Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My favorite farside!!
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.