“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
screw you
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.