*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese