Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Always a metermaid never a meter
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.