I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.