It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
You Might Also Like
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Customize Your Wedding.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers