My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra