My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.