Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
gm
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*