*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.