I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.