I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids