Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
This did not end as expected.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.