My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.