Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do