Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
🛁
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)