Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Fries, not lies.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]