My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes