My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
When I laugh on my period
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
THIS HEADLINE
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dance like you’re not the father