My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me