I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I am also baked goods
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday