Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do