NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.