Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’