Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.