It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
me when I see my crush
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My wedding will be open casket.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend