If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
A roof is a house hat.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.