[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
don’t be scared
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes