I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The three genders.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things