*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.