Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.