Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.