Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
So, can we agree on 4 or
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently