7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Who called it baking and not making love
Terribly Tuesday.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian